Loneliness and loss of connection can affect our mental health: 7 ways to tackle it

Human beings are hardwired for connection. Our ancestors lived in tribes where they worked together for the survival of that tribe. There was a sense of belonging and meaning that came with being part of the group, where everyone had their role to play for the benefit of the greater good. Becoming separated from the group made them vulnerable and exposed them to danger. This triggered alarm bells in their body and mind, and for very good reason. They were alone and no one had their back.

Having strong and supportive social relationships is an evolutionary mechanism. One that increases our feelings of belonging, meaning, purpose, enjoyment and security. Yet sadly, more people report feeling lonely today than ever before.

Why are we more lonely today?

We live in an age where advances in technology mean we are more connected than ever, so how come we are also more lonely than ever? Technology has certainly enabled greater connection in situations that only 20 years ago would not have been possible. When I first went travelling overseas after University in 2001, I did not have a mobile phone and had to buy phone cards to call home. I had to go to internet cafes to send emails to friends and family, and as my parents didn’t have a computer at the time I had to rely on my brother and sister to let them know I was still alive! Fast forward to today where I am able to video call them from the other side of the world and it’s hard to argue that technology hasn’t changed things for the better.

We have also seen the benefit of technology over the last 18 months, allowing us to connect virtually with people we were no longer able to connect with in person.

Yet somewhere along the way we have lost the sense of community, turned inward and become more individualistic in how we live our lives. I have seen this change in my own lifetime. I grew up on a street where we knew our neighbours well but I cannot say the same today. And whilst we may have hundreds or thousands of friends and followers on social media, how many true friends, ones that know what’s really going on in our lives rather than just the carefully created Instagram version, do we actually have?

What is loneliness?

We often confuse being alone with loneliness but these are two very different things. Loneliness is more about isolation and a loss of meaningful connection from others. In the words of Brene Brown, “I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard and valued; when they can give and receive without judgement; and when they derive sustenance and strength from that relationship”. Essentially, it’s about having a tribe of like minded people who ‘get you’. You could be surrounded by people but still feel lonely if you feel these relationships lack depth and you can’t be your authentic self.

Loneliness and our mental health

We know that rates of depression and anxiety are on the rise, so could there be a link between this loss of connection, loneliness and our mental health?

Professor John Cacioppo, from Chicago University certainly thought so, and he focused much of his research exploring this very link. Through his many studies, Prof. Cacioppo concluded that whilst loneliness may be a consequence of depression and anxiety, it is in fact a significant factor in the causation of these conditions, and many other researchers have reached similar conclusions.

Whilst today, feeling lonely doesn’t mean we are in immediate physical danger, this social isolation can still trigger those same alarm bells in our bodies, causing us to be hypervigilant to the perceived threat of being alone. This can play out in symptoms of stress, negativity, low mood, loss of self-esteem and confidence and ultimately lead to depression and anxiety. And of course, if you’re struggling with depression and anxiety, you may become withdrawn and less likely to want to engage socially with others, exacerbating feelings of loneliness even further.

This has been a growing issue even before COVID-19, but the pandemic has caused social isolation on a scale we have not seen before in the 21st century. Many studies from different countries have already shown an increase in psychological distress such as loneliness, depression and anxiety during the first national lockdowns. What we don’t yet know is what the long term effects of this will be on our mental health, but I think we can have a pretty good guess.

What can we do?

1. Remember…

…feeling lonely is part of life and it is absolutely normal to feel this way from time to time. Often feelings of loneliness will pass so be kind to yourself.

2. Understand…

…what loneliness means to you. Take some time to reflect on what is driving your feelings of loneliness. Do you feel you lack positive and supportive relationships in your life? Are you missing social contact with others? Are you surrounded by people but find the relationships lack depth? Do you struggle to spend time on your own? Have you lost confidence in social situations? Are you stuck in a career that isn’t bringing you meaning or purpose? Understanding what’s driving it can help you decide on the best course of action.

3. Reframe…

…loneliness as an opportunity for some ‘me time’. We are all so busy these days that we don’t often get time to ourselves. Why not take this opportunity to create new habits and focus on activities that YOU enjoy. It could be losing yourself in a good book, taking a relaxing bubble bath, watching a movie you’ve wanted to see for ages, learning a new language or cooking up a delicious meal.

4. Reconnect…

…with someone you know makes you feel good. We all have those friends where we can go for months or even years without speaking but as soon as you do it’s like you only saw them yesterday. This is something I am guilty of with a lot of my good friends being in the UK and having the added complication of the time difference, but I know that when I do make the effort, it’s always worth it!

5. Involve…

…yourself in something that gives you a sense of joy, purpose and belonging. This could be volunteering for a local charity or community project or joining a group with similar interests such as a walking group, photography club or dance class. Find your tribe!

6. Disconnect…

…from social media for a while. If you’re feeling lonely, seeing endless photos of other people’s (seemingly) perfect lives is unlikely to make you feel any better. It’s easy to forget that people generally only showcase the parts of their lives they want others to see, so do yourself a favour and just don’t look!

7. Reach out…

…if you have been experiencing loneliness for a while and feel it is impacting your health. There is no shame in this so talk to a friend, family member or your GP who can help you.

Feeling lonely and disconnected is something I regularly hear from my clients and it is often one part of the puzzle in what might be driving symptoms related to their mental health. If this is something you struggle with, please contact me for more information on how I can help.